There was a time when I would have looked at this and turned away in disgust. Now, however, I’m all in.
Carnage! What is it? “A bunch of cool cars on an epic collision course!”
Carnage! Where is it? Real men carry it in their hearts, but it is also on a patch of unidentified lawless desert and Sky One.
Which is to say the new Sky series, Carnage (which should so have an exclamation mark after it that I may write to my MP on the matter), is devoted to watching six teams a week race weaponised cars round a series of obstacle courses (sorry … “three brutal arenas!”) and try to bash each other into trenches, pits, the paths of monster trucks and oblivion. Because! There can be! Only one! Winner!
Everyone has a great time. The presenters (Freddie “it’s absolutely roastin’ out ’ere!” Flintoff, grime MC Lethal Bizzle and Capital FM’s Vick Hope) stand atop towers and shout encouragement at the contestants. Freddie, incidentally, sports a diamante-studded T-shirt that I’m sure I bought in Mango in 1986, but once I got used to the revelation that time is a flat circle, I was able to move on and enjoy the rest of the show. The contestants get to say things such as: “We’re going to destroy everyone!” and: “That Jag’s looking pretty soft from where I’m standing!” And one member of each team gets to drive whatever armoured, bespiked, be-buckraked, be-cowcatchered vehicle they have brought along until the vehicle is immobilised or they are paralysed by whiplash.